QT

So. It's come up more than once the past couple of days and tonight while I was reading to Khi I put it to the test. I ended up chatting with my little man for an hour and it was delightful. I cringe to think of all the great little details I've been missing because I was in some "zone" or the other. All less important really, in the long run. He was completely beaming and although he swore he wasn't tired with a big grin on his cute face, he very obediently and sweetly got to bed. Now, I have to ask if all the major attitude that has been driving me nuts as of late is all due to my own neglect? I mean, I always stop and give him hugs every day, I always ask a few questions about his day. But there is definintely a difference when all eyes are on him with no other distractions at hand and I'm really genuinly listening and responding. Man, I L.O.V.E that kid. What a total nut/stud/sweetheart/goof/love of my life/grade A++ kid!

I LOVE YOU Mekhi and I hope you will always remember and really know that. I really hope that one day you will be all grown up and ready to start a family of your own and that when you first experience the great love that is the love for a child you will remember me and understand. I know you are amazing and can't wait to see what amazing things you will do! ~Mom

STUCK

I moved a pics folder to the family pics folder!! I'm still working on catching up this darn blog: ie family scrapbook/journal. But I'll take what I can get, I mean there were a load of pics in that folder. As well as the next one and the next one and the ...well, you get the idea.

I've been stuck in the slumps, in a rut, in a big ole crappy non-growing, feel sorry for myself place. Lovely isn't it? Am I the only one? I feel like I'm the only one. BLECH. Honestly, part is due to good old PMS. I didn't used to have moody issues and all that, but I do now. Oh the joy. I'm stuck on a few different issues. Most of them relate back to my weight, which seems to affect everything, especially my energy. And more and more lately I feel akward when I'm around others. I feel totally out of place at church, the mall, running errands. This really blows! I thought I'd moved past this years back, at least to some extent. But here I am once again. I guess it's getting to me not having any friends. Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of fabulous girls around here, especially at church, and they are totally nice and friendly. I just don't fit in with any of them. They all have their friend, friends, group of friends, sisters, etc that they spend whatever free time they have with. Whaa, whaa, whaa. Anyways...

So the weight. The weight, the weight, the weight. Here's where I'm at. I'm at (huge #) Fat Lane. Yep. My main frustration right now is that I'm so STUCK. I KNOW it's not physically healthy to carry so much extra weight. I KNOW I don't look my best. I KNOW it's making me hold back my "real" self. I KNOW that
I'm not the best mom I could be, I want to be. I know I'm achy and have NO energy. I also know that I do feel better when I eat healthy. I KNOW I feel better when I sleep like a normal person. I know I would feel better, have energy, etc., if I'd exercise. So....

WHY THE HECK DON'T I DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS????

I am truly the definition of insanity! Splendid right? Yep. That's it. I'm stuck like Chuck and have no clue how to make myself change, just do it, blah blah blah. So I really, really, REALLY want and need to figure out why I'm trying to die? Trying to be miserable? Trying to punish myself? I DON'T KNOW what it is, but I need to figure it out soon!

Wasn't this just delightful and uplifting? I'm going to go back to posting way too many pics of my cute kids! :)

  I did figure out one thing today after posting this and thinking on it. Part of my problem is that I want to do everything all-out, to the best of my ability, full of passion, get it done and show it off big. When I do really get down and clean something for example, it takes forever and I'm exhausted after because I clean every last little nook n cranny with whatever little tool (usually a toothbrush) necessary... not that you don't all do that, but I can't seem to just do all that. I end up trying to do the organizing and purging, etc. I remember when we were first married Robert was like "I walked in the bathroom and thought it was a different room! No wonder you don't feel like cleaning all the time." Sad but true. Hence my completely dirty house. I realized I do this with all types of things. I'll put off doing some of the steps because I'm looking forward to the final steps. Rob always reminds me about how you eat an elephant, which is one bite at a time. I need to start just taking bites and not worrying quite SO much about the big and final picture.

I still think the same on the whole friend thing. But, I do have to admit that I get stuck in my little rut way too often and don't get myself out there. No one invites me anywhere for the most part (and ladies it really sucks to hear about all the fun girls night's and such when I wasn't invited!), but I don't invite anyone anywhwere either. I put off calling my best friend in Seattle and my cousin in NC too. I really need to quit being so lame!

There are no coincidences...

Hey hey. So. I STILL plan on doing a real post just on energy work, I really do. But it's so funny how things work. A wonderful friend and counselor Tawnia, whom I love, had been emailing regularly and then went MIA. So, my natural reaction was to think she was mad at me or didn't like me because I have issues like that. Fortuantely this time, I wass able to stop and question my thinking and put a stop to it. AHHH growth. Funny though, because I couldn't fall asleep the other night and was composing an email to her in my head and the next day I get a phone message from her saying I dialed the wrong number, but realized it was you so hung on to say hello. :D I think that is so funny.

Anyways... if you know me you know I'm fat. Yep. So, a few things on that end of things. I've been sick, but trying to still do a bit of energy work regarding weight. Then this whole post a retro pic thing on facebook comes up. I post my little Tam pics and I'm looking at them and it dawns on me...huh. Not fat. How come I always think back and think I was ALWAYS fat? So messed up, but gets me thinking on my distorted mind set again. Then I decide to watch Dr. Oz and it's on what other topic, but weight! Maybe it is a lot though, I haven't really watched his show. He had this family come back (I'd like to see their original appearance) and actually come to the hospital and meet a man who lived his life overweight, then later return to see the same man have heart surgery. The thing that really got me was #1 all the fat on the actual heart. Dr. Oz said "you're worried about the fat on your thighs, I'm worried about the fat on your heart." Well, dang. Now, I'm kinda worried about both. I think I knew you could get fat on your actual organs, I must have. I don't know, but it didn't look good and he showed how it was making the heart beat slower and it was scary. #2 One of the daughters said that the thing that impressed her the most was how Dr. Oz explained on the previous show that all the extra weight she was carrying was literally putting pressure and in effect crushing her rib cage and all her internal organs. Yeeeahhhh. Huh. Ok. So here I am, going to bed with all THAT on my mind, as well as all this FAT on my rib cage and internal organs! Sweet dreams!

So this morning I get on good ol' facebook and my friend Jetta from way back in high school (further actually, I gotta pull out those pics!) anyways, had reposted a link to her new blog. I'd already checked it out when it was brand, brand new and became a follower. She's lost 90 lbs!! Seriously! How awesome is that?!? Pretty stinking awesome! Well, I went and read through all her recent posts and it was amazing. I really love her that much more for being so open and honest. I totally relate to all the fat side of things she describes. I highly encourage a visit (many) over at her site!! I can't wait to continue following her and I can't help but be a bit scared that the timing is ... yeah. I'm so scared to change. We sent a few messages and I told her that I feel like I'm trying to do things backwards from her as far as healing the emotional stuff in hopes of getting to the weight loss, whereas she is now really tackling the emotional side of things. I love her most recent post with the pic of her with her SIL. You can read my comment there if interested, but I definitely relate and it sucks! But it's good. I think seeing that stark contrast was like seeing that heart covered in fat. Too close to home.

Now. I've somewhat been here a hundred times before. I get all jazzed up. I'm really not a total idiot folks. I do realize I'm fat. I also know that it's unhealthy. Duh, right? I guess that's why I've been trying to focus on the inside/emotional side because knowing all that, I still haven't changed my habits. But who knows... reconnecting on facebook just may save my life. Sounds drastic, but if you saw a big piece of furniture crushing your kids rib cage and their internal organs... I know! Drastic.