Journey to My Inner Garden of Eden.

3-8-2014 My notebook:
I am a healer & I will first heal ME.
I can, will, & deserve all good things. I accept abundance!
I CAN lose weight.
I can be big & powerful at ANY physical size.
I don't have to be big to be seen/heard & no matter how big I get it can NEVER be as big as my power IS.

The start of my journey to a healthy self:

I had been reading the book Falling to Heaven by James L. Ferrell and was having some great AHA moments. I had that feeling of being on the precipice of learning a new principle. I also had/have attended a few Addiction Recovery Meetings that our church offers, because I figured it was a new angle I hadn't explored in my 10+ years of praying to get healthy. I will say that they are absolutely an amazingly spiritual experience and am so grateful for those who are humble and brave enough to face their struggles and imperfections. I'm pretty sure it's the very rare person who could go to those meetings and not find something to work on!

Next on my journey was a visit with a friend's nephew who did a session of energy work with me. Some things came up in regards to my health, particularly that I had candida. Not awkward for that poor 19 year old young man at all, lol. Anyways, I instantly knew he was right. I'd had a rash on my inner elbows forever and after my miscarriage in November it had spread over my entire torso and up my neck. And it was itching like crazy. Horrible. Anyways, I had called to set up an appointment the day before to check it out, but on my way to his house I totally thought yeast. So weird that he said that out of the blue right? I got home that night and started researching candida and learned that I'd basically overloaded my system with sugar. It'd always been a problem, but an extra big problem since the miscarriage. I was staying up until the morning, not eating all day, and then eating candy and ice cream as well as drinking 44 oz Cokes with lime and coconut sugar added nightly. It was bad. So, I quit soda again that next day and was trying to be a little more aware of my sugar intake.

Shortly after all that, I went to a Relief Society activity celebrating the Relief Society Birthday. The theme was Make a Wish and it was really fun. Basically, everyone wrote down a wish from come clean my bathroom to bring me a surprise. I wished that someone would teach me about clean eating. What it was, how to plan meals, shop, etc.An awesome girl in my ward picked mine (I was hoping she would) and invited me over to chat a few days later. The next day she sent me a message asking if I wanted to do an 8 week challenge with her. Yes! Then a few minutes later she asked if I'd do a 100 day challenge starting tomorrow. Yes!? :)  

 I went to my first Time Out for Women the next week with some awesome friends and my daughter Grace. It was a lot of fun and my first week on the clean eating challenge. It was interesting, but not nearly as hard as I would have thought previously. I really enjoyed a talk by Laurel C. Day. A few things I took note of:
~ Delight in God & in being dedicated to Him and He will put the desires in our hearts to make room for the things He has to give us that are right for our lives. 
~ Let the Holy Ghost show us ourselves as we really are.
~ We need to pray to learn God's truths.
~ Power in CHOICES!! I choose to be __________ TODAY! (healthy, awesome mom, yogi, healer)
~It's Time to Wake Up!!!! See His ways for me. See His truths. Live MY life. CHOOSE!

I had wanted to do the BMS 8 week challenge previously because I knew if I was accountable to a team and would be affecting their points I'd do what needed to be done. I was a little surprised that I've been able to do so well not being on a team. We do have our points for the week posted on our groups fb page though and apparently that's what I needed. I have PERFECT points right now and that's really keeping me going. I fear what I'd let slide if I lost some points. I think everything was laid out line upon line and got me mentally ready to take care of myself. I also started doing yoga again and love it. At home first, then some classes at the gym. I feel like I'm really good at the mental side of it and love how it goes with my whole vision of turning my insides into a Garden of Eden. Did I not mention that? Haha. Gotta have a good visual. I gave up soda last year for 16 months and started working out and didn't lose any weight. I was really frustrated and started drinking it again. This time, I really just wanted to be healthy and treat my body like the temple it is. I wanted to feel better and be around longer! I didn't want weight to be my #1 focus and stop doing something  that was so good for me regardless of how things looked on the outside. Hence, the Garden of Eden vs. gross sludge. 

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I survived a trip to Lake Chelan for a week, dinner out several times, and let me not fail to mention the dreaded PMS. I ate healthy and exercised 6 times a week like a champ. I've definitely noticed that I feel more alert and alive and human! :)  Seriously though, I'd become an expert at ignoring my body completely. I could live with pain and accept my body's limitations as the norm. Before the challenge started I remember being in the car around 7:00 pm and telling Rob that I still felt half asleep and like I never fully wake up. Sludge. Easter weekend was a whole other story, but one I want to remember so I can come back and remind myself. First I threw Rob a Marvel 40th Birthday Surprise Party. My amazing sister-friends all made yummy treats at my request for the dessert table and I had two picked out for my two freebie servings for the week. I hadn't taken them, at least not with something really low in nutrition, since I started the challenge. I was hoping they'd make me sick, but instead they just tasted like heaven and I didn't notice anything physically. The next day was Tayvin's birthday party. I did fine during that, but that night we decided to go out for dinner to celebrate Rob, Tay's and Grace's birthdays. I decided to use one of our three free meals for the challenge and had a burger and fries. No soda though. It was delicious and I felt absolutely disgusting!! My stomach felt heavy and like it had a brick sitting in it. I kept burping and had heart burn. It was so gross. I've been pleasantly full on the challenge, but always still fill nice and light. Ugh. 20-30 minutes of taste good for 24 hours of nasty. Not worth it! Then Easter rolled around. I tried to get minimal candy for the kids and not necessarily stuff I loved. Grandma on the other hand, got some of my very favorites and sent us home with a Costco pack of cookies and extra cupcakes. I had half a Costco carrot cake cupcake for my first treat of the new week. Monday was Tay's actual birthday and she wanted pizza for dinner. Luckily, she was happy to have fruit and whipped cream for dessert. Here's the deal though:

Eating crap awakens and summons the cravin' dragon. Like for reals! I had the harshest craving, unlike any I'd had the entire challenge. So not fun. Trying to put together a whole wheat veggie pizza with the cheesy pizza sitting on the cutting board next to me along with all the Easter/Birthday crap about did me in. I ended up using my second freebie for a small, hollow chocolate bunny the next day. This time I did feel sick. I finished it off even though I realized after that the last half didn't taste nearly as good as the first. Something I plan on paying better attention to. I also felt kind of nauseous after. Not worth it, but so annoying. I realized that even while feeling sick my mind would think about what other sugary crap I could eat. None...not losing my points remember? But, it's so true that the sugar/fat combos of processed foods are so evilly meant to act as a drug. The cravings are almost overwhelming and once you give in and have something they grow exponentially. I plan on having a treat now and again when I'm off challenge, but I'm hoping it won't be often and that the cravings after will lessen. 

I did weigh myself today though and realized I've finally lost some weight! 15-17 pounds!!!! Woo hoo! Some motivation along with feeling better to keep going! I'm also seeing changes already in yoga. I could do a few poses that I couldn't a month ago and can go deeper into others! I love that!! I also love that the whole family is eating healthier. I plan on continuing forever and am excited to be teaching the kids better habits that I hope they'll adopt and not have to struggle as much as I have. Tay is really interested in yoga too and Rob's been going to the classes at the gym with me. Fun! 

So, there you have it. I've got a looooong way to go, but at least I'm on the road and off the couch. 

 

The WHYs of Me...

Are what I've been trying to pinpoint and figure out.

I picture a Jenga puzzle.

I just need to get that one piece jiggled free and

BAM

All my walls come tumbling down.

I feel that these walls are so 2010 and

that it's high time for them to...

well, KICK.ROCKS.

I have my mind made up that they are holding too much old crap in

and keeping WAY too much really great stuff out.

Wishful thinking?

One of these days we shall see.

Note to Self: I'm coming for you.

{Picure myself doing the two-fingers from my eyes to my eyes again in the mirror.}

HA! That'd be a gerat psych shirt...I'm seriously gonig to look into that.

If you are totally confused right now, you probably aren't alone.

You may take solice in that. {You're welcome.}

That's it. All this introspection is making my head hurt.

Or maybe I just need to put on my glasses.

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Phew!

I really didn't expect to evolve easily with no hard work involved, but jeesh. I feel exhausted body, mind & spirit after this first week of 2011! I know that we tend to be tested when we are trying to grow and progress, especially if it might bring us closer to out true selves, to our families, to our Heavenly Father.

Thankfully, I think I passed. I definitely really screwed some small moments up BIG time, but that's ok. I apologized, tried to fix what I could and moved on. Yay me! It feels good to not beat myself up so much. Now to just keep that up!

I hope you all had a great week, if not I hope you passed your tests! ;) Here's to week 2!

2011: Evolve!

Happy New Year!

I have actually been thinking a lot since my birthday back in November about this new year and what I'd like to accomplish in it. I turned 35 and I feel older. Not so much in a bad way. Kind of in a great way actually. I won't lie, I do feel older in a kind of "I'm really out of shape and my knees hurt and I'm tired" way. That I hope to get my head around dealing with. It really can't be my main focus right now though, my minds just not there yet. I am hoping that it {it being a bit more healthy physically} will at least be a happy consequence of where my mind IS. So where is my mind? So glad you asked! 

35. 35 is a nice round, solid number to me. For some reason, this year turning 35 felt like getting a brand new shirt. It feels like that shirt you've been waiting for, where you slide it on and you can tell before it settles onto your body that it is so perfectly soft and cozy comfy. You know the one? I feel like standing up a bit taller. I feel like...dare I say it? An adult. A real-life bona fide grown-up! Yikes!! I know. ;) I really do feel like a kid most of the time. I experience those weird moments in the midst of a family activity or vacation of "whoa, I'm the PARENT, and we are so in the middle of creating our kids childhood memories here." Is that strange? Only now with 35 settling so comfy around me, I feel less like a kid and more like a grown-up in a really great way. It's more a sense of being in charge, accountable, responsible. I so love that I'm embracing these words that made me run for my "cave" in the past.

It's TIME.

I don't expect to become perfect this year, or ever really. But I expect to change, progress, and grow. I really expect to become more ME. I am totally fine with overshooting my mark here and there and messing up. BUT it will be different this year, because I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

This is the year I will learn to love myself.

source 

I have really treated myself poorly up til now. I am constantly being a serious mean girl in my head and it's time for that mean girl to kick rocks! From now on...that's just NOT how I roll. This change may not be visible on the outside come next year although it'd be real nice if it was. I really hope that others can feel the change even if they can't pinpoint it. Especially those closest to me as they used to get the brunt of the mean girl runoff. I hope that in learning to really love myself, to see myself more as my Heavenly Father sees me I'll be more chill, loving, kind, open. I've been circling in this vicious cycle and I see now how everything is part of it...my relationships, my weight, my sleep habits, etc. All whirling around in there, constant motion in a way too sedentary life. But {here's the change in action people!!}I'm not going to get overwhelmed at this point and shoot myself down by realizing that those are a lot of things and a lot of change and a lot of work. Because I'm not lying to myself anymore and I'm NOT listening to Satan either! {see me stick out tongue} I don't have to be perfect. Ha! Check me out. I don't have to change it all. I don't have to do anything actually. But I am going to CHOOSE to do a bit better than I have in the past. That's it. Just a bit. And if I do more than a bit, well GO ME. Some days I'm going to just suck it all up...like screw it up. And I'll give myself a hug, apologize if need be and MOVE ON. Yes!

So there you have it. The plan? The movement! I'm so looking forward to an amazing year and to a even more amazing me!

P.S.

I will also be conquering the world of digital scrapbooking.

Getting my house organized.

And lots of other good stuff. ;)

Positive thoughts anyone?

So...is anyone still trucking along? I emailed my friend to find out if anyone actually accomplishes their 24-hrs. Why? Cuz it ain't looking so good! Hopefully she doesn't mind my sharing, but I had sent her an email about my confusion with my thoughts and facts, etc.. Here's her response:
"A negative thought is anything that is not positive, for example, you look in the mirror and see a zit on your face, instead of focusing on the blemish notice the positives around it instead, just put something on it and move on, don't dwell. A big one is "I'm fat" is it true sure. I'm still overweight but at least the wii stop telling me I was obese. small victories. Don't focus on the I'm fat, focus on what positive actions you have taken and the small changes that begin to appear. i.e. smaller arms, clothes fitting better or loose. these things keep you going, this is turning a negative into a positive, don't let yourself say even the truthfull negatives focus instead on the positive around it."

That really helped and although I had to start over a few times last night, I'm still working on it! It was mostly negatives about myself and then once about someone on TV last night and once about another person. That last one kind of shocked me, because I still don't think I even believe what I thought. I think I feel kinda un-liked by this person and when I was thinking about it a not so nice thought popped in my head. I then thought "Wow. K, START OVER!! Where the heck did that come from?!?" I'm just glad that I'm catching the negative thoughts more now so I can be more aware. The mirror is a tough one, get a lot of start-overs from that one!

While I'm here, I will say yesterday was so Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! ;)  A friend watched Tayvin so Rob n I could go to the temple. It had been 6 months! The horror. Seriously...another way I punish myself maybe? It feels so good to go and is so stinkin' close! Definitely adding regular attendance to my goals! Mekhi was so happy that he accomplished his reading goal at school and scored that last McD's milkshake coupon, well... had to run him through the drive-thru to cash that bad boy in! Pleased to say that I did not order anything for myself as it has not been 14 days. But I love you Shamrock Shake, we will be together again someday. Then to top it off there was an AWESOME activity at church last night! I'm totally impressed with the amount of hard work and thought that was put into it! It was our Relief Society birthday dinner actually, and it was YUMMY! Tonight I get to go to dinner with the whole family before my dad heads back to the Ukraine, so I'm looking forward to another great night!

What are your plans for the weekend?

More from the Feelings book I mentioned in the original Challenge post:

"By giving your energy to loving and trusting God, your Self, and others (and knowing that your desired results are being accomplished), your reality can be much more peaceful, productive and freeing. All in all, what you experience as your reality is born of the subtle energies of your feelings and thoughts." p84

"We each have this basic goodness within us. If we posess a strong enough desire to shift our focus, we can re-discover it. After all, we each brought that goodness with us. When we understand this, our nature instinctively yields to a higher and greater cause--a higher purpose. Our capacity for loving and supporting others increases dramatically. We can look, and if our eyes are truly open, we will see and appreciate the magnificent importance of each individual--including our own Self. When our actions stem from love and understanding (from our heart), we are less condemning, more forgiving, more accepting, and more compassionate." p88

Realizations...

My sleeping habits suffer when I feel wronged/mad/upset. Not so much that "I'm so upset I can't sleep." I've realized it's a much more conscious destructive decision. It's with the food too. The more upset I am, the more "bad for me" food I want. I somewhat knew I did this, but I hadn't had such a clarity of thought while in the moment. I was really aware that I wanted to do something destructive to myself and that was alarming.

I need to be a better listener and while I do want/need to keep working on myself I need to not get so sucked in that I'm not really thinking about others. Serving others is what will help me work on myself that much more effectively I think. I forget that though.

Update on Me & the Challenge.

So. I'm actually doing really good. I'm not worrying too much about food, but that's not too bad either because we've got lots of healthy stuff around. I also took some advice and we all sat down Saturday to plan out our dinners for the week. I am happy to report that I've been on a few walks since Saturday, which is more than nothing. So yay, me. I have had NO soda!! I did go to bed one night at 2:30, but the other nights I've been in bed by midnight, give or take 20 minutes. Way better for me then what I was doing. I'm getting up earlier now, and trying to move more throughout the day. I can tell I am getting more movement in because around 8pm my feet are SORE and my body is TIRED. When I'm feeling depressed I fear long days, but it's been really good this week to try and make the most of them. Still tons of room for improvement, but I feel good that I've got some progress going. I even went to playdate at the park with some women from my church. I felt a little awkward, but not enough to make me avoid. I ended up getting some really good chatting in with girls that I think are pretty great and have wanted to get to know better. It was good and I'm looking forward to next week!

Ok. The thought challenge. I've told some people about it and the reactions are pretty funny actually. Lots of outright laughter. Hehe. One of our friends works in a prison and was pretty sure that he'd have to complete his 24 hours while he wasn't at work because he knew he just couldn't do it. All the more reason to try though maybe? Robert wasn't really into it at first, not that I could tell at least. But he loves to "joke." We've discussed his "jokes." So now he walks around the house and every once in awhile I'll hear "gotta start over." Especially Monday when I was watching The Bachelor. Poor guy started over about 30 times. LOL. He really is a gem of a man though, completely unselfish and willing to work and help and do. It's awesome to be married to someone like him and I love that he is willing to go along with me on my journey.

My journey. It's been more complicated for me to do this challenge so far. At first I was getting confused because I was trying to figure out what exactly was negative. I thought a few things and was pretty much rationalizing that it was a fact, so is it still considered negative? I know calling myself (or others) names and such is negative and that's easy. I'm much worse towards myself though. I really have been in such a good place this week so far that it hasn't come up much. That gets me to start worrying that I am thinking negative thoughts, but I'm so unaware I don't even know. Sigh. I always have to make everything so complicated! So do I start over now? Or is that just a fact? So confused. It is probably the little grey thoughts that are my main problem too. The black/white are easy to catch.

So to summarize... I'm still working on it!

I'd love to hear how you are doing!!

The Challenge!

First an excerpt from an awesome book I'm currently reading, you can skip down to the actual challenge if you want to get right down to it! This is one of the books that I've mentioned previously that have to do with energy work. The portion I've read so far to summarize is about how we start as infants pure and all our energy is pure...God's love. That is what we then are striving to get back to now as adults, to be pure of heart and full of God's love. To become as little children.
Healing Feelings... From Your Heart by Karol Truman
"You may already realize you have been on a detour, or are still on one. Understand that a detour was taken the moment an untruth about your Self was perceived and believed, or the moment you experienced negative feelings or negative thoughts toward someone else. Why did this put you on a detour? Because it took you from the Love that you are-the straight road in front of you. The instant negativity takes you out of harmony with God's laws, i.e. "Love thy neighbor as thyself," or "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," you are off on another road.

Without our realizing it, when incorrect perceptions, misguided feelings, thoughts, attitudes and beliefs occur, we have taken a definite detour from our designated road of Love. Could it be that many of us are out there traveling around on detours, trying to figure out how the heck to get back to our main road?" pp 19-20

"Back to our road. By becoming more aware during our life's journey, we eventually realize that our experiences are for the purpose of teaching us about our Self. We learn the lessons we came here to learn through our challenges in these major areas: our relationships, our health, our children, our finances... Our experiences in all of these areas serve as mirrors, reflecting back to us the issues we need to re-solve in order to more fully understand and know our True Self.

When you begin recognizing the feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behavior that complicated your life, you begin bringing your Self back to your main road. By focusing your awareness-accepting espo9nisbilty and accountability-you can continue your journey on this healing road." p 23

"Each of us has an inborn, unconscious drive to reconnect with our Divine energy-our accepting, forgiving, genuinely sacred and loving heart-our True Self. ... If we are interested in re-uniting with the Love that we are, a clean-up campaign may be in order. This is called cleaning the inner vessel... It means achieving a change of mind-a change of heart. We cleanse (adjust, alter, or bring into alignment) our inner vessel by healing negative feelings, thoughts, and attitudes; be re-moving the obstacles that originated from our innocent, inaccurate perceptions, misguided conclusions, and early conditioning. We cleanse our inner vessel by establishing a fresh view about ourselves, God, life, the world, and others. And no matter how we've been "wired up" inside our Self, it's okay. Whatever we've done, its okay. It just "is." If we don't like how it is, with some effort we can change it.

This is only accomplished, however, through conscious effort...Awareness is the key.

As we cleanse the inner vessel by removing what has been covering our Inner Light, we are preparing for the reestablishment of the beautiful qualities deep inside us. We are preparing to find that part of our Self which we have forgotten-our True Self, our Divine Self. “pp 23-24

So there's a taste and I love that I read this shortly after a friend of mine, who is a counselor, told me about some homework she gives to her clients to help them work on loving themselves. This homework is now my homework and the challenge I am now giving to YOU!

THE CHALLENGE:24 Hours Without Negative Thoughts

(Go ahead a scoff at how easy it sounds, or laugh because you SO know it's not ... go on.

Got that out of the way? Now... are you ready?)

To be clear this means NO negative thoughts about yourself or others! NOT even people on TV, or driving on the road, none and when you say or think something negative (which you will) you start the 24 hrs over, see how long it takes. This teaches you how to block out negative thoughts, replace them with positive and just how negative you really are. It makes a huge difference in how you feel about yourself, you even feel like a better person.

I hope you are with me, I'm officially starting now!

Good luck and I can't wait to hear how it goes!! :)

I'm Baaaack! :D

I said I'd get back to catching up my blog with family pics n such as well as being positive today. So here we go. First with the positive then I'll get some pics going. I really want to THANK all the lovely ladies who took the time to read and comment yesterday. I so, so appreciate each comment!! Now. When I said it's frustrating to feel that I don't love myself, I really meant it. F.R.U.S.T.R.A.T.I.N.G. It is so for me because I really had some great revelations a few years back in getting that I am literally a Daughter of God and had made such great progress. I'm not getting negative about it though, because I'm seeing some things.

You've gotta love that I'm getting inspiration from smut. Oh how I'll miss all the free smut Rob would bring home after cleaning the planes. Oh well. Anyways, I did make it to bed at 12:20 last night after we finished watching a movie. Robert says "you must really be sick huh?' haha. I was having a hard time getting comfortable and actually sleeping though so I started reading some magazine and there was an article about K-Fed getting fat again after being on celeb fit-club. The thing that was great for me though, wasn't that K-Fed is fat again (that's sad actually), but it was the last line of the article. The woman said that it was because he was in a rut. She said that when we are in a rut we don't move as much, we eat food for comfort, and we are lost in our inner dialogue.

DING DING DING DING!!!

I can't put it any better. That is so where I've been lately!  And this excites me because even though I knew this, I didn't make sure that I remembered to avoid it. So, I'll be adding some more goals to my list! And I'd love to hear what keeps you out of your ruts!! Please comment. Lets help each other here! There is so much support that is so close and I know I don't take it. I isolate. Once my rut is near, I seem to fall right into it and I pretty much don't leave the house but to go to the store and I don't want to answer my phone at all. It's what I do. So, while I do feel that I've regressed from all the progress I'd made years ago, your comments are all right! It's not over and done, today is a new day and I can get back that progress then some. Those are things I learned, so guess what? They are mine to remember and USE!! Even if I forgot for a bit. Cool right?

A few other conclusions I came to last night (probaly this morning, but I refused to look at the clock!):

I believe that relationships really are like plants in that they do need to be nourished and cared for. I believe that, but I didn't relate it to the relationship I have with myself. If you are at all familiar with Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you know how he talks about deposits and withdrawls in relationships? Like at the bank right? There are only so many withdrawls you can make before your overdrawn. Well, all that negative self-talk is nothing but withdrawls, so it's high time I figure out what I need to do to make deposits towards myself. And not a reward of food/candy/ice cream etc. Again, what are your rewards to yourself?

The last thing is kinda big for myself. Again, things I've known, but didn't really embrace and really, actively KNOW. I was thinking how I want my kids to grow up with healthy habits and not have to go through this same struggle when they grow up. I was thinking about Mekhi especially. He is totally picking up my bad habits and he's also becoming aware of his size. He is definietly big, but not overweight. I can see that with my example and with him having my body type that will change quickly. I don't want that for him. Here is where my thinking finally went a step further than before though. I have trust issues you could say when it comes to losing weight. I feel like people will treat me better because they would now like me better not being so overweight. And that may be true in some rare cases, but not where it really matters. When I was thinking about my kids and Khi, I thought about what my feelings would be if he did become overweight. Would I love him any less? Not even one tiny fraction of any percent. I will always love him fiercly regardless. I know that. I then asked myself why I wouldn't want him to be overweight. The answer of course is that I know it's not healthy. I also know from experience that I don't feel my best and that it holds me back in many ways. I would never want that for him. I wouldn't want that for anyone really. Then I let myself put those same thoughts in my parents, my husband, my kids, my siblings, my friends... towards me.

Huh. Maybe those that love me really aren't judging me, they just want me to be my best. To be in fighting form for this crazy thing called life. Many of them say they believe I can do great things and really help people in counseling. I'm holding myself back. Why? Scared of what I can do? I don't know. I think there are more answers that will make it clear. For now though, I know that I need to love myself more completely, I know that I'm not being a good example to those I love most, and I don't feel good. So... I'm going to walk down to the park now and meet up with my little family and maybe even keep on walking.

Onwards and upwards!

Now what?

Okay. First of all last night's Relief Society event was Amazing!! For those that missed it, it was a live performance of the 10 virgins and their lamps set to music. Of course I found myself relating to way too many of the virgins and like a wonderful sister said after it was the virgins who ran off and missed the whole thing. Oops. Time to bulk up on what I need to be doing huh? Good reminder and wonderful to feel the Spirit so strongly. So... now what?

I believe some introspection is healthy and good. I think I get so caught up in trying to fix myself inside that I'm only focused on what's "wrong" with me and it just spins my head around until I'm spiraling downward. So. I still have things I'd like to work on inside and figure out in my head, BUT, it's high time I put some action behind it and find some balance!! So easily said, then I feel twice as bad when a few weeks have passed and I haven't DONE anything different! I've narrowed down a few things that are holding me back:

1) I have too much crap! Stuff. No wonder I feel so scattered when I feel like every last nook 'n cranny is busting at the seems with junk.

~A place for everything, and everything in it's place.~
(Taking any suggestions to get me started.)

2) I'm unhealthy and overweight and feel like crap! There I said it. Not that it's a mystery, a shock, or a surprise to me or anyone else. But true all the same. I have some serious mental sabotaging going on though when I think seriously about doing something about it, so I feel stuck. If anyone local needs a partner... maybe we can motivate each other. I don't know yet. I just want to publicly acknowledge that it is a problem and it is a problem that is specifically contributing to my current state.

3) I need to get out more, reach out to people more, put more quality time into my scripture reading, etc. Less time on FB and more time moving and playing with the kids. There is so much to do and be done and I'm on this stupid computer!! Ok...focus. I'm going to set some mini-goals that I'm hoping I can stick with and not sabotage. Any encouragement and friendly advice welcome. Thanks!

4) This one is the worst I think. It's also really frustrating because I don't get it. I've actually come so far thruogh different experiences and some counseling over the years, but I think that I still don't LOVE myself unconditionally. Some days I see the good, but at the end of the day I think it's still my core problem. This one also affects all the other ones. It probably contributes to the head games I play with myself as far as the comparing to others at times and feeling like everyone thinks I'm a just a freak and not worth being friends with. Yuck right? The vulnerability is setting in already. I'm posting this though. I'm really accessing the bit of HOPE I have left and hoping that I'm not the only one that ever feels this way. I swear if you get to know me you'll find that I'm not totally negative and lame. I'm in a rut though! I'll get out. I just want to get out and find a different way. Onward and upward right?!?

Problem Habits:
Eating out/fast food
candy
not exercising
Soda!
Not getting regular sleep.

So...
Got an actual physical calendar and hung it up in kitchen!
~Going to mark the days that I don't have soda at all in an attempt to be more conscious.
~The eating out I guess won't be so bad now that we are broke and unemployed. That will hopefully change soon though, so here's what I'm thinking: No fast/food or eating out unless there are 14 (I really want to put 7!) consecutive days marked on the calendar that we did NOT eat out.
~Ok, sleep is hard. I do good for a few weeks then something happens and I get off track. But I am going to be in my bed at midnight even if I think I'm not tired. I will just lay there or read.

Small start, but a start none the less. How sad that it actually seems hard!

Any ideas on rewards? I don't think I'm at the point that feeling better will be enough and obviously rewarding with treats not the best idea. Help me out!

Everyone depressed yet?

I've probably driven the 2 or 3 of you who read this away by now. I live for adventure and chance though, so here's some more just in case one of you is still here.

I've discovered that although I can find many, many, way too many, things to do and make by looking at others blogs, it can also be really depressing. Seriously. I understand that most of these women are just posting the best of. Right? But I am like a serious professional lately at forgetting that and then comparing my average/worst to their best. How much does that suck you may ask? Pretty much completely sucks. I have talents. I have a craft area now. I have many projects to do. I have years of scrapbooking to catch up on. I pretty much don't ever do any of it. I'm 34! I want to be living my best life. I want to be active and making things happen and getting things done. I too often find myself waking up to realize another day, week, month, year, decade has floated on past. Blech. I am still trying to get it together and put myself out there a bit more, but really? Why all the set-backs? I feel like I'm constantly missing out because I feel tired or irritated, or mad, or depressed... but why? I have been making more of an effort to go to activites at church, etc. I have even tried reaching out to a few other ladies at church lately. And it's good. Now, if I could just have the good be the norm and be sitting here writing about all the good and better and best things I've done lately. Sigh. Seriously, as soon as things start to feel do-able the roller-coaster takes a nose dive again. And it took a doosy of one this time. So here is my life right now and the reason behind my latest posts:

Monday Robert came home from a meeting at SkyWest and told me he got fired. Yep. Fired. He had been supsended because of some juvenile "points" system they started and after being a few minutes late a few times and then having to call off when I had strep awhile back he was out of points and thus suspended. I really had no clue that after the suspension he'd be fired! I mean, why suspend him in the first place? I then make the mistake of saying "well, at least it was the job that pays the least."

Then I find out that Mekhi was involved in some trouble at school and was suspended from recess for a few days! Complete with a trip to the priniciple's office and all. I was actually sick to my stomach and really upset. This isn't the kid I know. He's still sticking with his story and Rob believes that it was a case of bad judgement and I hope so, but I'm not totally sure. He has just always been so honest (down to telling on himself since he was really little)  and so concerned for others feelings. I don't know what to do with that one.

Then Wednesday rolls along and Robert comes home after school in his FedEx uniform and says I got fired. Yep. Fired. Have you guys met this husband of mine? Not fireable! For those keeping score that is Zero jobs, fired on a Monday and the consecutive Wednesday, and no savings. Smart huh?!?

Again.

Anyways. Needless to say, but I was seriously stressed. Thankfully, seriously...grateful. I called and unloaded on my beautiful cousin Juli. Then I went to take a hot shower to try and relax some more. Unfortunately this didn't work ... like, at all. Before I knew it my head was pounding so hard, I tried to answer it. I was completely nauseated from the pain. I've always stored my stress in my shoulders and neck, but I'd been fighting this painful knot for a few weeks, and now like magic,  a friend had joined on the other side of my back. The combo of the two, up to my neck, and into my head just about knocked me out. Like laying on my bed, trying to crawl out of my skin kinda hurting. Called my parents out of desperation and Rob started calling chiropractor's but it was almost 5 and we learned that our insurance doesn't cover them ... AT ALL. Nice. My poor mom was stuck at home with bronchitis when she had planned to be in TX loving up her newest grandson, was now on the phone with her big bawling baby of a daughter. Again, nice. Robert was trying to help me get dressed to take me to the ER, but my mom called my brother Derek who dutifully showed up on my doorstep. Hello, magic hands!! He massaged for a few minutes and the headache lessened enough that I didn't feel like I was going to be sick and I could open my eyes. He kept going and I felt almost human again. I still have some now seriously sore knots in my back, so if you have any tips to help with that I'll take them gladly. I really fear being back in that unhappy, want to crawl out of my skin place. Not cool.

I took some excederin after all that and my awesome dad showed up and gave me the best blessing I've heard him give. It was pretty awesome. Thanks dad!! I am so grateful to have a dad that is worthy of the priesthood he holds and even better to have a husband worthy to hold that priesthood in our home!! Awesome! At this point it was like 6:45 pm and I decided to go ahead and head over to the chruch because I had made a commitment to teach one of the beehives how to crochet. I'm so glad I did! She was so cute and picked it up like a champ!! So, now that you know all the sorry details of my life...

How you doin'?

Food Addict

So I keep hearing "food addict" on various shows and magazine articles and blogs... and I don't want to be that. I don't want to go into getting healthy with the mountain of "you will ALWAYS struggle with this for the REST OF YOUR LIFE." I mean, how much does that suck?!? I'm pretty sure I am though. Number one, being my weight. Another example being that I said to Robert I was going to give up soda until April when we go to Orlando...we were driving in the car. As I drove the couple miles to the bank I went through the following thought process:

"Yeah, I'm gonna give up soda. It's so, so bad for our bodies and I can do just that one thing."
"I mean, I'm not saying I'm giving up anything else, just that."
"I'll just finish up what we have at home and then I'm done."
"I'll just finish up what we have at home and then I can have one in March and one in April."
"I'll have one more this month after I finish the others up, then one in March and one in April."
".......... ............... .............. Oh, Crap."
Outloud now "Hey, Rob. I think I'm a food addict."

Sigh.

Blah.

Sigh. Again.

Not sure what I'll do with this information. Not sure why I'm putting it out in the universe like this. I am sure that the first time I get the judgy comment from my mom or any one else for that matter I'll be seriously offended and defensive and ticked. I seem to already have the market share in my family of the obvious issues. To be fair to myself it's only because I'm really open about my flaws and things I'm working on or becoming aware of, but it really sucks to always have it OUT THERE for all to comment on ALL THE TIME. It feels that way at least. Especially my sleeping issues. That gets really old. I mean, I'm freaking 34 years old and choose to have crappy sleeping habits or different sleeping habits I really don't think it's anyone's business at the end of the day. I have been doing pretty dang good there though actually for almost a month now! Woohoo.

So I went to lunch with my parents today and picked the low calorie choices on the menu, and got WATER. You read that right... WATER. Even with the oh so delectable Pepsi just waiting in that tank for me. I was going to go grocery shopping, but the first thing I thought about when I pulled up was all the clearance Valentines candy, so I left. Then I almost pulled into Mc'Donalds because someone mentioned Shamrock shakes on FB yesterday and I love those things. But I felt kinda dumb after choosing to put off grocery shopping. So I'm home. Little victories. I'm sure I'll have a few pieces of the V-day candy floating around the house, and oh well. At least I don't have a big new stash to add to it. Taking what I can get at this point! Now if I can just talk myself, trick myself, anything myself into exercising a bit I'll be golden. Babysteps my friends. The whole big embracing and gung-hoing just sends me into rebellion mode, so baby steps.

Nut House

Welcome...

I am all over the place lately.

I need to have some time...

not just the few hours after the kids are in bed time...

not getting to go to the store alone time...

TIME.

Friend time.

Seriously though, I don't know what my deal is. I'm pretty sure hormones must be in affect, but really this is jsut getting ridiculous.

Irritable one day. Depressed one week. Happy for a few weeks. The world is ending and I'm in a panic one minute. Moment of clarity the next minute.

Paranoia that:

#1 I've no clue how to make friends and

b) everyone is doing stuff without me and

#2 I'm too crazy to deserve friends

b) everyone is alread happily doing stuff without me

#3 I'm having an identity crisis at age 34

b) everyone could care less as they are happily doing stuff without me

Clarity:

#1 What the heck am I tripping on? I haven't put out an effort. I haven't been calling any one, inviting any one, etc.

b) A few people DID reach out last summer and I flaked, so I need to get over it and do my part.

#2 Yeah, I'm crazy...crazy FUN

b) I'm hoping if there are some potential friends out there they will be open letting me happily do stuff with them, if not they suck.

#3 I'm actually pretty cool. I have my issues, but I need to quit pretending like I'm all alone in that and everyone else spends there days skipping around town being 100% superwoman/moms/wives/friends. I've worked really hard to find myself and improve the past decade or so and from that I'm a better person. I have more to work on, but nothing makes me less than anyone else. It is actually a plus that I'm so willing and ready to work on those things I'm aware of! I've been through some things, I know some things, and I have some things to offer that are pretty darn great. And yes, at times I get down and I isolate... ie., don't answer my phone, etc., but I come out eventually and I'm working on making those time shorter and less frequent.

b) I guess a little paranoia never hurt anyone.

And yes, when I talk to myself, I have been known to answer back.

Deal with it. 

STUCK

I moved a pics folder to the family pics folder!! I'm still working on catching up this darn blog: ie family scrapbook/journal. But I'll take what I can get, I mean there were a load of pics in that folder. As well as the next one and the next one and the ...well, you get the idea.

I've been stuck in the slumps, in a rut, in a big ole crappy non-growing, feel sorry for myself place. Lovely isn't it? Am I the only one? I feel like I'm the only one. BLECH. Honestly, part is due to good old PMS. I didn't used to have moody issues and all that, but I do now. Oh the joy. I'm stuck on a few different issues. Most of them relate back to my weight, which seems to affect everything, especially my energy. And more and more lately I feel akward when I'm around others. I feel totally out of place at church, the mall, running errands. This really blows! I thought I'd moved past this years back, at least to some extent. But here I am once again. I guess it's getting to me not having any friends. Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of fabulous girls around here, especially at church, and they are totally nice and friendly. I just don't fit in with any of them. They all have their friend, friends, group of friends, sisters, etc that they spend whatever free time they have with. Whaa, whaa, whaa. Anyways...

So the weight. The weight, the weight, the weight. Here's where I'm at. I'm at (huge #) Fat Lane. Yep. My main frustration right now is that I'm so STUCK. I KNOW it's not physically healthy to carry so much extra weight. I KNOW I don't look my best. I KNOW it's making me hold back my "real" self. I KNOW that
I'm not the best mom I could be, I want to be. I know I'm achy and have NO energy. I also know that I do feel better when I eat healthy. I KNOW I feel better when I sleep like a normal person. I know I would feel better, have energy, etc., if I'd exercise. So....

WHY THE HECK DON'T I DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS????

I am truly the definition of insanity! Splendid right? Yep. That's it. I'm stuck like Chuck and have no clue how to make myself change, just do it, blah blah blah. So I really, really, REALLY want and need to figure out why I'm trying to die? Trying to be miserable? Trying to punish myself? I DON'T KNOW what it is, but I need to figure it out soon!

Wasn't this just delightful and uplifting? I'm going to go back to posting way too many pics of my cute kids! :)

  I did figure out one thing today after posting this and thinking on it. Part of my problem is that I want to do everything all-out, to the best of my ability, full of passion, get it done and show it off big. When I do really get down and clean something for example, it takes forever and I'm exhausted after because I clean every last little nook n cranny with whatever little tool (usually a toothbrush) necessary... not that you don't all do that, but I can't seem to just do all that. I end up trying to do the organizing and purging, etc. I remember when we were first married Robert was like "I walked in the bathroom and thought it was a different room! No wonder you don't feel like cleaning all the time." Sad but true. Hence my completely dirty house. I realized I do this with all types of things. I'll put off doing some of the steps because I'm looking forward to the final steps. Rob always reminds me about how you eat an elephant, which is one bite at a time. I need to start just taking bites and not worrying quite SO much about the big and final picture.

I still think the same on the whole friend thing. But, I do have to admit that I get stuck in my little rut way too often and don't get myself out there. No one invites me anywhere for the most part (and ladies it really sucks to hear about all the fun girls night's and such when I wasn't invited!), but I don't invite anyone anywhwere either. I put off calling my best friend in Seattle and my cousin in NC too. I really need to quit being so lame!

There are no coincidences...

Hey hey. So. I STILL plan on doing a real post just on energy work, I really do. But it's so funny how things work. A wonderful friend and counselor Tawnia, whom I love, had been emailing regularly and then went MIA. So, my natural reaction was to think she was mad at me or didn't like me because I have issues like that. Fortuantely this time, I wass able to stop and question my thinking and put a stop to it. AHHH growth. Funny though, because I couldn't fall asleep the other night and was composing an email to her in my head and the next day I get a phone message from her saying I dialed the wrong number, but realized it was you so hung on to say hello. :D I think that is so funny.

Anyways... if you know me you know I'm fat. Yep. So, a few things on that end of things. I've been sick, but trying to still do a bit of energy work regarding weight. Then this whole post a retro pic thing on facebook comes up. I post my little Tam pics and I'm looking at them and it dawns on me...huh. Not fat. How come I always think back and think I was ALWAYS fat? So messed up, but gets me thinking on my distorted mind set again. Then I decide to watch Dr. Oz and it's on what other topic, but weight! Maybe it is a lot though, I haven't really watched his show. He had this family come back (I'd like to see their original appearance) and actually come to the hospital and meet a man who lived his life overweight, then later return to see the same man have heart surgery. The thing that really got me was #1 all the fat on the actual heart. Dr. Oz said "you're worried about the fat on your thighs, I'm worried about the fat on your heart." Well, dang. Now, I'm kinda worried about both. I think I knew you could get fat on your actual organs, I must have. I don't know, but it didn't look good and he showed how it was making the heart beat slower and it was scary. #2 One of the daughters said that the thing that impressed her the most was how Dr. Oz explained on the previous show that all the extra weight she was carrying was literally putting pressure and in effect crushing her rib cage and all her internal organs. Yeeeahhhh. Huh. Ok. So here I am, going to bed with all THAT on my mind, as well as all this FAT on my rib cage and internal organs! Sweet dreams!

So this morning I get on good ol' facebook and my friend Jetta from way back in high school (further actually, I gotta pull out those pics!) anyways, had reposted a link to her new blog. I'd already checked it out when it was brand, brand new and became a follower. She's lost 90 lbs!! Seriously! How awesome is that?!? Pretty stinking awesome! Well, I went and read through all her recent posts and it was amazing. I really love her that much more for being so open and honest. I totally relate to all the fat side of things she describes. I highly encourage a visit (many) over at her site!! I can't wait to continue following her and I can't help but be a bit scared that the timing is ... yeah. I'm so scared to change. We sent a few messages and I told her that I feel like I'm trying to do things backwards from her as far as healing the emotional stuff in hopes of getting to the weight loss, whereas she is now really tackling the emotional side of things. I love her most recent post with the pic of her with her SIL. You can read my comment there if interested, but I definitely relate and it sucks! But it's good. I think seeing that stark contrast was like seeing that heart covered in fat. Too close to home.

Now. I've somewhat been here a hundred times before. I get all jazzed up. I'm really not a total idiot folks. I do realize I'm fat. I also know that it's unhealthy. Duh, right? I guess that's why I've been trying to focus on the inside/emotional side because knowing all that, I still haven't changed my habits. But who knows... reconnecting on facebook just may save my life. Sounds drastic, but if you saw a big piece of furniture crushing your kids rib cage and their internal organs... I know! Drastic.