I'm Baaaack! :D

I said I'd get back to catching up my blog with family pics n such as well as being positive today. So here we go. First with the positive then I'll get some pics going. I really want to THANK all the lovely ladies who took the time to read and comment yesterday. I so, so appreciate each comment!! Now. When I said it's frustrating to feel that I don't love myself, I really meant it. F.R.U.S.T.R.A.T.I.N.G. It is so for me because I really had some great revelations a few years back in getting that I am literally a Daughter of God and had made such great progress. I'm not getting negative about it though, because I'm seeing some things.

You've gotta love that I'm getting inspiration from smut. Oh how I'll miss all the free smut Rob would bring home after cleaning the planes. Oh well. Anyways, I did make it to bed at 12:20 last night after we finished watching a movie. Robert says "you must really be sick huh?' haha. I was having a hard time getting comfortable and actually sleeping though so I started reading some magazine and there was an article about K-Fed getting fat again after being on celeb fit-club. The thing that was great for me though, wasn't that K-Fed is fat again (that's sad actually), but it was the last line of the article. The woman said that it was because he was in a rut. She said that when we are in a rut we don't move as much, we eat food for comfort, and we are lost in our inner dialogue.

DING DING DING DING!!!

I can't put it any better. That is so where I've been lately!  And this excites me because even though I knew this, I didn't make sure that I remembered to avoid it. So, I'll be adding some more goals to my list! And I'd love to hear what keeps you out of your ruts!! Please comment. Lets help each other here! There is so much support that is so close and I know I don't take it. I isolate. Once my rut is near, I seem to fall right into it and I pretty much don't leave the house but to go to the store and I don't want to answer my phone at all. It's what I do. So, while I do feel that I've regressed from all the progress I'd made years ago, your comments are all right! It's not over and done, today is a new day and I can get back that progress then some. Those are things I learned, so guess what? They are mine to remember and USE!! Even if I forgot for a bit. Cool right?

A few other conclusions I came to last night (probaly this morning, but I refused to look at the clock!):

I believe that relationships really are like plants in that they do need to be nourished and cared for. I believe that, but I didn't relate it to the relationship I have with myself. If you are at all familiar with Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you know how he talks about deposits and withdrawls in relationships? Like at the bank right? There are only so many withdrawls you can make before your overdrawn. Well, all that negative self-talk is nothing but withdrawls, so it's high time I figure out what I need to do to make deposits towards myself. And not a reward of food/candy/ice cream etc. Again, what are your rewards to yourself?

The last thing is kinda big for myself. Again, things I've known, but didn't really embrace and really, actively KNOW. I was thinking how I want my kids to grow up with healthy habits and not have to go through this same struggle when they grow up. I was thinking about Mekhi especially. He is totally picking up my bad habits and he's also becoming aware of his size. He is definietly big, but not overweight. I can see that with my example and with him having my body type that will change quickly. I don't want that for him. Here is where my thinking finally went a step further than before though. I have trust issues you could say when it comes to losing weight. I feel like people will treat me better because they would now like me better not being so overweight. And that may be true in some rare cases, but not where it really matters. When I was thinking about my kids and Khi, I thought about what my feelings would be if he did become overweight. Would I love him any less? Not even one tiny fraction of any percent. I will always love him fiercly regardless. I know that. I then asked myself why I wouldn't want him to be overweight. The answer of course is that I know it's not healthy. I also know from experience that I don't feel my best and that it holds me back in many ways. I would never want that for him. I wouldn't want that for anyone really. Then I let myself put those same thoughts in my parents, my husband, my kids, my siblings, my friends... towards me.

Huh. Maybe those that love me really aren't judging me, they just want me to be my best. To be in fighting form for this crazy thing called life. Many of them say they believe I can do great things and really help people in counseling. I'm holding myself back. Why? Scared of what I can do? I don't know. I think there are more answers that will make it clear. For now though, I know that I need to love myself more completely, I know that I'm not being a good example to those I love most, and I don't feel good. So... I'm going to walk down to the park now and meet up with my little family and maybe even keep on walking.

Onwards and upwards!